The Trinity of Love

"I hadn't anticipated burying my husband just thirteen months after our wedding day, but that is how life happened."

- Bridgit Muratore

The Trinity of Love

On the morning of the funeral, I slipped into a black dress, placed the necklace with his wedding band around my neck, grabbed a shawl, and walked out of the house.  The church was filled with his family and friends as I sat sandwiched between my parents.  I didn’t realize, until I hugged my brother afterward, how many tears I had been holding inside.  As I regained my composure from my brother’s steady presence, I felt grateful to my family for not expecting anything from me.  I hadn’t anticipated burying my husband just thirteen months after our wedding day, but that is how life happened.  In the following months, I spent time grieving and was once again thankful to my family for allowing me the space to mourn at my own pace.  

One evening, after returning from work, I walked into the kitchen and reached for a glass of wine.  A simple glass of wine had been my way of unwinding after a long day.  As I stood there with the bottle in my left hand and a glass in my right, a wave of numbness washed over me.  I recalled watching his spirit leave his body, as if that evening still lingered within me.  Tears filled my eyes as I poured the wine down the drain, vowing not to numb myself with any substance.  Instead, I wanted to allow myself to miss him.  I wanted to feel the pain, the sorrow, the way he held me, and how he made me laugh.  I wanted to experience everything and to navigate through the emotions as they arose.  I didn’t want to hide, even though it was difficult.  I stood in the shower, tears flowing as freely as the water, until my entire body shook.  I wondered if I could cry out all my tears - would I ever cry again?  The following day, I found myself in the shower once more, and more tears flowed.  There never seemed to be a shortage of them.  

People often say that, eventually, the pain of losing a loved one diminishes leaving only cherished memories.  However, I have discovered that it is not time that heals all wounds.  I grieved in what I believed was a very healthy manner, allowing myself to experience each emotion while attempting to piece my life back together.  Yet, this was only part of my healing journey.  Years after his death, I embarked on a journey into energy work and found that many of the emotions I thought I had resolved flooded my soul once again.  I recalled long conversations with therapists and counselors as I sorted through my feelings, yet my body, mind, and spirit required more.  If time truly heals and I have grieved, how could these same emotions resurface?  

One of the practices of Emphory is Everything is Opposite.  As I delved into understanding how these emotions continued to reside within me, I realized that my journey consisted of layers upon layers.  I initially believed that peeling away layers of emotion during the grieving process would lead to fewer layers.  However, I did not comprehend that I was entangling these emotions in a narrative I was constructing about becoming a widow.  My initial healing process identified loss, heartache, and abandonment, but it also introduced feelings of guilt and shame associated with moving on.  My new narrative added layers to the layers I was already healing.  According to the practice of Everything is Opposite, I discovered that the more layers I peeled away, the more layers I uncovered.  When I began to understand that the locked emotions within me were confined within the stories I had created, I realized that my identity was also intertwined with these narratives.  The more layers I uncovered, the more I learned about myself, and I recognized that in order to heal the past, I needed to separate my story from my identity.

"The more layers I uncovered, the more I learned about myself, and I recognized that in order to heal the past, I needed to separate my story from my identity."

Everything is Opposite, and I have discovered that the role I play does not define me.  My identity is not entangled in the emotions of my past.  As I uncover the layers of my history, I look forward to discovering more aspects that will enable me to understand myself even better.  I no longer see myself as trapped within a narrative; instead, I am learning to process my emotions and allow them to flow through me creating a deeper understanding of who I am.  

When I met my current husband, the thing I loved most about him was that he embraced me for everything I had experienced, rather than in spite of it.  I believed I needed to “get over” my first husband in order to be loved again, but I discovered that by loving and losing my first husband, I became the woman I needed to be for my current husband.  The three of us form a beautiful trinity.  I would not be the person I am for my current husband without the experiences I had with my first, and I would still be with my first husband if he had not passed away.  Everything is Opposite and the three of us have created a beautiful triangle of healing and love.