Lessons with Tawny

"My yearning to get life "right" fostered a fear of being a fraud, and I found myself caught in a cycle of pleasing everyone but myself."

- Bridgit Muratore

Lessons with Tawny

Her hooves pounded the earth as her leg muscles reached for longer strides.  I could feel her body beneath me becoming an instrument of speed.  My horse, Tawny, and I raced alongside my brothers on their steeds as the summer sun began to rise.  We raced under the power lines, skimming past sagebrush, and headed into the desert.  As we slowed upon reaching our destination, I stretched my arms out to my sides and could feel the breeze playing around my entire body.  My brothers and I played tag on horseback, and I melded into my horse, becoming one with her.  Her heart pounded through my muscles, rising up from my legs into my torso, arms, and chest.  Each shift in my legs changed her direction as I leaned across her to reach one of my siblings.  

As a teenager, I confided in Tawny my awkward thoughts, stories, and questions during our long walks together.  She was my confidant when I felt uncertain about my friends, parents, or even myself.  I shared my frustrations, anger, and sadness with her, and in return, she encouraged me to persevere.  Many confessions were made while riding horseback, shedding teenage tears.  Despite growing up in a religious home, I discovered that my most liberating conversations with God took place outdoors with my horse, who appeared as a majestic, four-legged beauty.  

Through the years, I transitioned from a carefree child to a constrained adult, constructing protective barriers around my soul without Tawny to confide in.  My desperation to navigate life correctly propelled me into spending a significant portion of my life trying to get things “right.”  I earned good grades and excelled in school because that was expected.  As an obedient middle child, I never caused waves in our household; yet I felt stifled by an imposed idea of what my life should be.  It seemed there was a clear distinction between right and wrong in the world, and I desperately wanted to do life right.  The tug-of-war between right and wrong intensified as I aged, leading me to remain in relationships, jobs, and cities longer than I truly desired.  My yearning to get life right fostered a fear of being a fraud, and I found myself caught in a cycle of pleasing everyone but myself.  

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"...I am discovering I can create the atmosphere I desire."

One of the practices of Emphory is Everything is Energy, and as I have worked through the layers of the protective wall I built around myself, I am discovering that I can create the atmosphere I desire.  Several years ago, I was working in a high-stress career where I constantly felt pressed for time.  One afternoon, the CEO entered my office, drew a picture of flowers, and taped it to the wall.  He then turned my chair to face the picture and told me it was important to stop and smell the flowers.  I scoffed, believing I didn’t have the time or the ability to relinquish my responsibility as a good employee.  Now, as I explore the practice of Everything is Energy, I find myself taking moments to absorb the energy around me, regardless of how busy I am.  The thoughts in my head become the energy I choose for my day, and I am in control of how the day unfolds.  

Now, I find moments with God in everything I do as I embrace the life I am fortunate to have, rather than worrying about getting it right.  Much like the time when my horse, Tawny, and I became one while running through the desert, I find myself leaning into God’s creation around me.  I spread my arms and feel the breeze enveloping my body, the ground beneath my feet, and the vibrations of the earth pulsing through my veins.  I can release the preconceived notion of perfection and enjoy my life with all its imperfections.  Everything is Energy, and I choose to enjoy each moment within this energy.